hello.absurdity.me

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

For medical professionals dealing with any type of suicidal ideation expressed by a patient, an important question is…

Does the person have a specific plan like with details…..not a vague plan like ‘I will shoot myself somehow’ …..no, but do you have a plan? Like do you already have the gun? Do you know how to use that gun? Do you know what kind of gun you would use do you know where you would do it have you thought it through, brother, have you thought it through?

Does the patient have a checklist?

Have you thought about this lately? Do you think of it often? Did you write it down, brother? Did you just memorize it? …I know you. I know that you could just memorize it.

Do you have a checklist of the things you would need to carry out this action do you possess the things you would need to carry out this action and how often do you think about it?

For me, personally, brother, the answer to all these questions is no. I get overwhelmed, brother. Sometimes I can’t see the light for a while, brother, but eventually I somehow always can, brother. I think I’m safe. I don’t wanna fall into that frozen crevasse with you yet, brother, not on purpose, though I know you are at peace and and and I love you forever…

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

The answer for me is no.

I take this vow because somehow I can. I don’t know how, I don’t know why.

I lost him, though…because maybe he wasn’t allowed to talk enough about his checklist.

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

I have seen that people really do this thing, suicide. I mean let’s just say that word. Suicide. Let’s look in a dictionary. Let’s look in Merriam…

Noun

Latin sui (genitive) of oneself + English -cide; akin to Old English & Old High German sīn his, Latin suus one's own, sed, se without, Sanskrit sva oneself, one's own. First known use 1643

I mean I know almost first hand, right? We caught minnows in a creek together often. Together. Often.

It’s not a distant notion to me at all. I can tell you these specific physical details of what was involved and exactly what he physically did. I mean, no, Servpro cannot “make it like it never even happened.” And their billboards remind me. I can tell you more. Do you want to know? Do you want to know how he pulled the trigger……Do you want to know long his body was there before anyone realized… you want me to tell you more? Do you wanna know that sometimes I still sleep with his shirt?

Often people don’t really want to step up at all. They just go all 911 because really, what?

What if that happens in my presence? I cannot risk my own…what? What happens if I fail? I am not a professional. Let’s just put them in an expensive magic mental health box for a week. Let’s call it inpatient treatment. Surely in that box these magic doctors can fix it in a week. Maybe 10 days. What kind of health insurance do they have?

Does anyone know the number one cause of my family members dying early? Raise your hand now. Anyone?

No, I really don’t know if my one of my cousins did it. The family will not speak of it so I mean? I didn’t know him that well, I wish I had known him better.

I think that statistically….no, I don’t really have statistics….. there are a lot of suicides on one side of my family. Like uncle from a couple generations back, his son also later. I know at least a couple parts of their checklists. I didn’t know any of these people so it didn’t break my heart any I think.

Some us of need to be allowed to talk about it. More than 50 minutes a week with a paid professional. Some of us maybe just have suicide in our faces.

Like from early age. I knew so young that another family member who is so kind…swallowed a bottle of aspirin. Out in Montana. Because her husband didn’t love her. It didn’t work. Hope it was but a gesture. But I can’t be sure. No internet back then. She couldn’t just google it. I love her, and she is ok now.

I knew so much so early. Don’t know why…it was in my face.

Now I have been diagnosed with a physical condition called M.E. for which, as far as we know, as far as the culture keeps data, the number one cause or at least a top five cause of death, for pwME is, hello, you guessed it…suicide.

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

I do not have a checklist.

Yet anyone might still know from reading a news site or maybe reddit that… that rockstar, and oh that travel guy and some other celebrities just use a…..it’s…it’s...it is may be cultural knowledge, just cultural knowledge, not a checklist…

Can we please be honest without so much fear?

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life…I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life. – 5 MT