There is Sister Dang
There is a Plum Village nun called Sr. Dang Nghiem. She has had long lyme but her words about SI….. I don’t think apply to people who have long time very severe ME or similar situations. I mean she says this herself but if someone only listens a little they might not catch this…
But her words apply to me myself now ….as much as when first I heard her….before ME. Every single expression of Buddhist whatever you see from me….that all locked in the day I saw Sr. Dang ….stand in front of mahasanga describing that her brain…has been a lot like mine.
Sometimes I get frustrated thinking yeah Sister, but.
But you get to live at Blue Cliff and …but you get to say that your brother didn’t pull the trigger, mine did. But you’re not telling me how to fix this.
Until I remember oh this is just random and she could be me and I could be her, and to a student of Thay ….we are the same. That’s not easy but it’s something. I never thought life would be easy anyway. And she absolutely did tell me how to fix this. Four and Eight plain as day. And she also said my brother is okay. He’s okay. His karma is not some miltonian hell. His karma is everything useful and kind he ever taught anyone, which is so much ….and he wasn’t leaving *me*.
Brain like mine. That means a brain….she describes experiencing SI since age 9.
I remember being older and reading these memoirs like Darkness Visible and Noonday Demon. And being afraid. Afraid because what I read ….that was supposed to be a big deal bestseller….looked like a cakewalk to me.
And to see a monastic saying basically yep same thing …and she was smiling and people were listening instead of ….deciding she’s broken….burning her at stake.
That changed so many things for me……
This is just a thought, only a thought, this may be part of me but this is not my whole self, I have many beautiful thoughts, I am not monster.
Right now, this thought and its friend, the thought that I am a monster…they are blocking me rn. I am spending whole days just….trying to see the light and remember it’s there even when I cannot see. I’m not accomplishing eating food and taking meds or even resting. I’m just crying and rocking and …..say it out loud Laura…you’re doing something important. It’s called battling a demon and telling it no.
These thoughts have blocked me before, they’ve blocked me many times. So what? Look at how many kind things I did anyway already. These thoughts can rule entire days….so what? They will never rule me.