hello.absurdity.me

Tbh, i am more terrified that i have been in my entire five decades on this planet. Exactly zero ppl in real life, not through a screen, have treated me like a human being…for more than a couple hours, since April of 2023. I got to pet a dog once. That's it, that's all i can remember ...and i'm only moderate....i don't remember the last time someone touched my body or held my hand or asked my name.....someone who wasn't triaging the hell out of me

Just saw a text message....from the owner of a caregiver business. The one i can actually afford.....she fell asleep watching netflix....and has no idea at all how very very very very important that planned phone call…was…to a person like me

Nobody irl cares about some old lady with ME. The bruises mean nothing. Nobody cares about that. Nobody irl cares about the front end collision. It means nothing. I mean the insurance company cares A WHOLE LOT about this now useless hunk of metal.........but the driver of this hunk of metal? Nope, the driver doesn't matter at all

Nothing good i did in this life ever...helps me today. And i am too “edgy” for a whole lot of pwme....another support group....i don't even join the zoom calls...cuz my life is apparently “too much” for even many pwme. Or maybe that’s just my massive marianna trench attachment ‘disorder’ but….

J school degree...means nothing, 20+ years of darn good IT work for a public service agency...means nothing. Prison ministry in Alabama.....means nothing. Perfect ACT 36's on English and Reading....mean nothing. Being a single mom who raised a kid who now has a debt free science degree….means nothing

He's moved to another platform, this son of mine...said he got 40K views recently.....also.....means…nothing. Every single video on that channel.....from a young man who will not bring his mother's wheelchair inside when it's raining......those videos mean....nothing

“Merit scholar semi-finanalist” ...nothing....Scholarships to Duke and Tulane...nothing

Patching a CCTV system at 3 am for a forensic hospital in Tuscaloosa....when it was not even my job....nothing. Staying late at work to push First Databank updates...every single month... on a pharmacy system that affected thousands of patients....nothing

Not one thing i ever did in this world....keeps me from being...just basically a ghost...alive but not alive at all....it all means...nothing

4 and 8...that's all there is....my teacher said that also means...nothing

My teacher said than i am nothing. He said buddhism itself....is nothing. Buddha/dharma/sangha...the 3 jewels...he said that means...nothing. He also said it's okay to disregard anything he said that is not useful....dear thay, dear sangha...oh yeah...the sangha is missing....the sangha is awol....what do i do thay? You said the 3 jewels don't mean anything either.....but i think you are wrong on this on thay....i can't live without the sangha.....you might call this life thay....but i don't...on this one....i respectfully disagree

You even said the *next* teacher would be the sangha itself. You said that, you did i think. What would u do if you were me, teacher?

Nah, that didn't work yet, thay...that whole “call the preacher”, thing, thay? i tried it, i left a prayer request for a Rev. Dr. here, thay. He's from Alabama, too. How can he not call me?

Just wait? Just keep waiting, thay? Keep focusing on my breath, thay? WTF THAY PLEASE

I’m not supposed to be in the SHU yet, thay...................pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssseeeeee

Aye, aye, this is NOT the SHU yet really. We've been here before.... And this is how they get me. every.single.time.thay....

Every.single.time……before……now…...thay. They leave me alone “in a box” .....until i raise the volume to “i want to die”......when i didn't want to die at all not then not now thay.........the box was that yellow bedroom...the box was that condo in vt...the box is this apartment in ny......then i raise the volume to iwanttodie ...and that.........is how they got me before

Breathing in i know i am breathing in…breathing out i know i am brea…………..thing…..

Nooooooooooow thay… i got it…. i got it ...you wrote a letter to the revdrmartinlutherkingjr on junethefirst, thay, 1965. You were meanin to tell the reverend that self immolation ain.t nuthin like western suicide....open letter, thay, i love it....he wrote openletterfrombirminghamjail and you wrote an open letter to him thay you are so smart thay...27,000 steps ahead of me…and somehow also beside me

Cuz there, thay, right there in that letter, thay, you also -to contrast- explain exactly… the definition of… what self emmolation… ain’t ........“The self-burning of Vietnamese Buddhist monks in 1963 is somehow difficult for Western Christian conscience to understand. The press spoke then of suicide...

...To express will by burning oneself, therefore, is not to commit an act of destruction but perform an act of construction, that is, to suffer and to die for the sake of one’s people. This is not suicide. Suicide is an act of self-destruction, having as causes the following: (1) lack of courage to live and to cope with difficulties; (2) defeat by life and loss of all hope; (3) desire for nonexistence (abhaya).

Thay thay thay my dear thay .........thanks for the checklist.....(1) nope (2) nope and nope (3) nope nada nope not even close...okayokaythay...you're right again thay dang it you're always 27,000 steps ahead of me every.single.time. and yeah we know the self immolation doesn't work anymore cuz yeah dude tried it over climate a couple years ago...and you're right, thay...no longer effective

And i’m the only one who mixed up that whole ame thing....mlk was a baptist, dang it thay you make me laugh….with joy…… real joy, thay, not irony, not sarcasm, thay, real joy, thay…..every.single.time

And in 1968, thay, there you go again, thay, always the breadcrumbs…always 27,000 steps ahead of me: “I did not sleep last night; I tried to contact you through Lee at the FOR……They killed Martin Lu.....They killed us...I am afraid the root of violence is so deep in the heart and mind and manner of this society. They killed him. They killed my hope. I do not know what to say…This country is able to produce King but cannot preserve King. You have him, and yet you do not have him. I am sorry for you. For me. For all of us…..

…This morning I have the impression that I cannot bear the loss.”

This morning i have the impression i cannot bear the loss......This morning i have the impression i cannot bear the loss......This morning i have the impression i cannot bear the loss......

But you did, thay ...you absolutely did bear the loss, thay.....until Jan 22, 2022, thay....at the age of 95… in Huế. I know it’s just coincidence, thay, but i noticed that whole thing where you did not die until after the third Monday. Which is what, my dear thay….please let the rhyming stop, thay…..MLK Day…