Just saw a text message....from the owner of a caregiver business. The one i can actually afford.....she fell asleep watching netflix....and has no idea at all how very very very very important that planned phone call…was…to a person like me

Nobody irl cares about some old lady with ME. The bruises mean nothing. Nobody cares about that. Nobody irl cares about the front end collision. It means nothing. I mean the insurance company cares A WHOLE LOT about this now useless hunk of metal.........but the driver of this hunk of metal? Nope, the driver doesn't matter at all

Nothing good i did in this life ever...helps me today. And i am too “edgy” for a whole lot of pwme....another support group....i don't even join the zoom calls...cuz my life is apparently “too much” for even many pwme. Or maybe that’s just my massive marianna trench attachment ‘disorder’ but….

J school degree...means nothing, 20+ years of darn good IT work for a public service agency...means nothing. Prison ministry in Alabama.....means nothing. Perfect ACT 36's on English and Reading....mean nothing. Being a single mom who raised a kid who now has a debt free science degree….means nothing

He's moved to another platform, this son of mine...said he got 40K views recently.....also.....means…nothing. Every single video on that channel.....from a young man who will not bring his mother's wheelchair inside when it's raining......those videos mean....nothing

“Merit scholar semi-finanalist” ...nothing....Scholarships to Duke and Tulane...nothing

Patching a CCTV system at 3 am for a forensic hospital in Tuscaloosa....when it was not even my job....nothing. Staying late at work to push First Databank updates...every single month... on a pharmacy system that affected thousands of patients....nothing

Not one thing i ever did in this world....keeps me from being...just basically a ghost...alive but not alive at all....it all means...nothing

4 and 8...that's all there is....my teacher said that also means...nothing

My teacher said than i am nothing. He said buddhism itself....is nothing. Buddha/dharma/sangha...the 3 jewels...he said that means...nothing. He also said it's okay to disregard anything he said that is not useful....dear thay, dear sangha...oh yeah...the sangha is missing....the sangha is awol....what do i do thay? You said the 3 jewels don't mean anything either.....but i think you are wrong on this on thay....i can't live without the sangha.....you might call this life thay....but i don't...on this one....i respectfully disagree

You even said the *next* teacher would be the sangha itself. You said that, you did i think. What would u do if you were me, teacher?

Nah, that didn't work yet, thay...that whole “call the preacher”, thing, thay? i tried it, i left a prayer request for a Rev. Dr. here, thay. He's from Alabama, too. How can he not call me?

Just wait? Just keep waiting, thay? Keep focusing on my breath, thay? WTF THAY PLEASE

I’m not supposed to be in the SHU yet, thay...................pleeeeeeeaaaaaasssseeeeee

Aye, aye, this is NOT the SHU yet really. We've been here before.... And this is how they get me. every.single.time.thay....

Every.single.time……before……now…...thay. They leave me alone “in a box” .....until i raise the volume to “i want to die”......when i didn't want to die at all not then not now thay.........the box was that yellow bedroom...the box was that condo in vt...the box is this apartment in ny......then i raise the volume to iwanttodie ...and that.........is how they got me before

Breathing in i know i am breathing in…breathing out i know i am brea…………..thing…..

Nooooooooooow thay… i got it…. i got it ...you wrote a letter to the revdrmartinlutherkingjr on junethefirst, thay, 1965. You were meanin to tell the reverend that self immolation ain.t nuthin like western suicide....open letter, thay, i love it....he wrote openletterfrombirminghamjail and you wrote an open letter to him thay you are so smart thay...27,000 steps ahead of me…and somehow also beside me

Cuz there, thay, right there in that letter, thay, you also -to contrast- explain exactly… the definition of… what self emmolation… ain’t ........“The self-burning of Vietnamese Buddhist monks in 1963 is somehow difficult for Western Christian conscience to understand. The press spoke then of suicide...

...To express will by burning oneself, therefore, is not to commit an act of destruction but perform an act of construction, that is, to suffer and to die for the sake of one’s people. This is not suicide. Suicide is an act of self-destruction, having as causes the following: (1) lack of courage to live and to cope with difficulties; (2) defeat by life and loss of all hope; (3) desire for nonexistence (abhaya).

Thay thay thay my dear thay .........thanks for the checklist.....(1) nope (2) nope and nope (3) nope nada nope not even close...okayokaythay...you're right again thay dang it you're always 27,000 steps ahead of me every.single.time. and yeah we know the self immolation doesn't work anymore cuz yeah dude tried it over climate a couple years ago...and you're right, thay...no longer effective

And i’m the only one who mixed up that whole ame thing....mlk was a baptist, dang it thay you make me laugh….with joy…… real joy, thay, not irony, not sarcasm, thay, real joy, thay…..every.single.time

And in 1968, thay, there you go again, thay, always the breadcrumbs…always 27,000 steps ahead of me: “I did not sleep last night; I tried to contact you through Lee at the FOR……They killed Martin Lu.....They killed us...I am afraid the root of violence is so deep in the heart and mind and manner of this society. They killed him. They killed my hope. I do not know what to say…This country is able to produce King but cannot preserve King. You have him, and yet you do not have him. I am sorry for you. For me. For all of us…..

…This morning I have the impression that I cannot bear the loss.”

This morning i have the impression i cannot bear the loss......This morning i have the impression i cannot bear the loss......This morning i have the impression i cannot bear the loss......

But you did, thay ...you absolutely did bear the loss, thay.....until Jan 22, 2022, thay....at the age of 95… in Huế. I know it’s just coincidence, thay, but i noticed that whole thing where you did not die until after the third Monday. Which is what, my dear thay….please let the rhyming stop, thay…..MLK Day…

Today is Friday. Movers come Monday.

I don’t *have* to pack anything myself because I’m paying moving company to pack, tow subi, etc. A friend helped with those moving logistics….cuz my brain tapped out …..after reading and comprehending and signing 65-page new york state lease.

A friend who has ME also…thousands of miles away….like I could be evicted or worse y’all…because no way I could do this alone. And my son…..just across the connecticut river….doesn’t understand “chronic fatigue syndrome.”

I don’t have *that much* stuff …the furniture and dishes belong to the landlord here.

I wish I could spend this last weekend in VT actually on a mountainside…but nah…ME means nope….gotta preserve capacity…for rebuilding crip life from scratch …

NY state license plates, NY driver’s license, NY car insurance, NY doctors… who won’t hurt my body….unintentionally….because they don’t understand “chronic fatigue syndrome” either.  They’re too busy to google “dysautonomia ,” like really, they are.  And to hell with greek/ latin whatever. Google “myalgic enephalomyelitujsjsjdjsj”. Heck,  I can’t even spell that one, and it rules my body, not ur rod of asclepius or caduceus or any words, and opps the 15 minutes is up.

“I can no longer speak succinctly” from a one-time newspaper copy editor….i know ap style….means nada on the fly to a hurried ivy league doctor…when a system is overwhelmed …and they can’t open MyChart from midtown atlanta…or look at neuro rehab report from ATL i carry in my backpack always.

I don’t own a real bed, so the the first couple weeks or so on camping cot.

Order basic simple furniture like ikea or wayfair. I thought of just matching the basic furniture to the “model” apartment ..so i won’t have to think about it.

The camping cot… I used before for weeks, when I slept in a tent in my own backyard in Alabama…yknow worried maybe the mold in that house was stachy and making me sicker…i was too sick to notice that pipe leaking behind the kitchen sink then…

So at first…western NY apartment…i will camp in ….like a big climate controlled tent…. with 65” television and laser printer and tea kettle and french press and many pillows ….and alexa and siri.

My copy editor is AI also. I say ‘find the spelling errors only’ and it still can’t handle that one. Alexa and Siri would be hilarious names for cats.

But her words apply to me myself now ….as much as when first I heard her….before ME. Every single expression of Buddhist whatever you see from me….that all locked in the day I saw Sr. Dang ….stand in front of mahasanga describing that her brain…has been a lot like mine.

Sometimes I get frustrated thinking yeah Sister, but.

But you get to live at Blue Cliff and …but you get to say that your brother didn’t pull the trigger, mine did. But you’re not telling me how to fix this.

Until I remember oh this is just random and she could be me and I could be her, and to a student of Thay ….we are the same. That’s not easy but it’s something. I never thought life would be easy anyway. And she absolutely did tell me how to fix this. Four and Eight plain as day. And she also said my brother is okay. He’s okay. His karma is not some miltonian hell. His karma is everything useful and kind he ever taught anyone, which is so much ….and he wasn’t leaving *me*.

Brain like mine. That means a brain….she describes experiencing SI since age 9.

I remember being older and reading these memoirs like Darkness Visible and Noonday Demon. And being afraid. Afraid because what I read ….that was supposed to be a big deal bestseller….looked like a cakewalk to me.

And to see a monastic saying basically yep same thing …and she was smiling and people were listening instead of ….deciding she’s broken….burning her at stake.

That changed so many things for me……

This is just a thought, only a thought, this may be part of me but this is not my whole self, I have many beautiful thoughts, I am not monster.

Right now, this thought and its friend, the thought that I am a monster…they are blocking me rn. I am spending whole days just….trying to see the light and remember it’s there even when I cannot see. I’m not accomplishing eating food and taking meds or even resting. I’m just crying and rocking and …..say it out loud Laura…you’re doing something important. It’s called battling a demon and telling it no.

These thoughts have blocked me before, they’ve blocked me many times. So what? Look at how many kind things I did anyway already. These thoughts can rule entire days….so what? They will never rule me.

Laurel wreaths are traditionally a symbol of honor and victory….. – Wikipedia, today

This is not my dharma name

I do not need to win anything 

Not even a zen battle 

I don’t need a dharma name either 

For medical professionals dealing with any type of suicidal ideation expressed by a patient, an important question is…

Does the person have a specific plan like with details…..not a vague plan like ‘I will shoot myself somehow’ …..no, but do you have a plan? Like do you already have the gun? Do you know how to use that gun? Do you know what kind of gun you would use do you know where you would do it have you thought it through, brother, have you thought it through?

Does the patient have a checklist?

Have you thought about this lately? Do you think of it often? Did you write it down, brother? Did you just memorize it? …I know you. I know that you could just memorize it.

Do you have a checklist of the things you would need to carry out this action do you possess the things you would need to carry out this action and how often do you think about it?

For me, personally, brother, the answer to all these questions is no. I get overwhelmed, brother. Sometimes I can’t see the light for a while, brother, but eventually I somehow always can, brother. I think I’m safe. I don’t wanna fall into that frozen crevasse with you yet, brother, not on purpose, though I know you are at peace and and and I love you forever…

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

The answer for me is no.

I take this vow because somehow I can. I don’t know how, I don’t know why.

I lost him, though…because maybe he wasn’t allowed to talk enough about his checklist.

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

I have seen that people really do this thing, suicide. I mean let’s just say that word. Suicide. Let’s look in a dictionary. Let’s look in Merriam…

Noun

Latin sui (genitive) of oneself + English -cide; akin to Old English & Old High German sīn his, Latin suus one's own, sed, se without, Sanskrit sva oneself, one's own. First known use 1643

I mean I know almost first hand, right? We caught minnows in a creek together often. Together. Often.

It’s not a distant notion to me at all. I can tell you these specific physical details of what was involved and exactly what he physically did. I mean, no, Servpro cannot “make it like it never even happened.” And their billboards remind me. I can tell you more. Do you want to know? Do you want to know how he pulled the trigger……Do you want to know long his body was there before anyone realized… you want me to tell you more? Do you wanna know that sometimes I still sleep with his shirt?

Often people don’t really want to step up at all. They just go all 911 because really, what?

What if that happens in my presence? I cannot risk my own…what? What happens if I fail? I am not a professional. Let’s just put them in an expensive magic mental health box for a week. Let’s call it inpatient treatment. Surely in that box these magic doctors can fix it in a week. Maybe 10 days. What kind of health insurance do they have?

Does anyone know the number one cause of my family members dying early? Raise your hand now. Anyone?

No, I really don’t know if my one of my cousins did it. The family will not speak of it so I mean? I didn’t know him that well, I wish I had known him better.

I think that statistically….no, I don’t really have statistics….. there are a lot of suicides on one side of my family. Like uncle from a couple generations back, his son also later. I know at least a couple parts of their checklists. I didn’t know any of these people so it didn’t break my heart any I think.

Some us of need to be allowed to talk about it. More than 50 minutes a week with a paid professional. Some of us maybe just have suicide in our faces.

Like from early age. I knew so young that another family member who is so kind…swallowed a bottle of aspirin. Out in Montana. Because her husband didn’t love her. It didn’t work. Hope it was but a gesture. But I can’t be sure. No internet back then. She couldn’t just google it. I love her, and she is ok now.

I knew so much so early. Don’t know why…it was in my face.

Now I have been diagnosed with a physical condition called M.E. for which, as far as we know, as far as the culture keeps data, the number one cause or at least a top five cause of death, for pwME is, hello, you guessed it…suicide.

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

I do not have a checklist.

Yet anyone might still know from reading a news site or maybe reddit that… that rockstar, and oh that travel guy and some other celebrities just use a…..it’s…it’s...it is may be cultural knowledge, just cultural knowledge, not a checklist…

Can we please be honest without so much fear?

***I take a vow often to respect all life, even including my own.***

Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life…I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to support any act of killing in the world, in my thinking, or in my way of life. – 5 MT

One either shot an alligator or had a friend who shot an alligator. I, as a kid, maybe saw a photo of a man with a dead alligator around his neck and thought the wrestling thing was true many years. He died before I lived, but in family stories he seems colorful. Still no alligator wrestling.

The other was not Venezuelan himself. He was from Georgia. He I think worked first at a carnival in Florida. As a mechanic. Not a sword swallower or trapzee artist. Then somehow offered a job in affiliated carnival in Venezuela. I’ve seen his Venezuela Registro de Extranjeros. And his red uniform. This part is true. He looks handsome in the photo.